Looking back on my life I believe that I have always had depression.
At a young age I suffered from speech problems due to enlarged adenoids and tonsils, at 4 I had them removed, At some point after this I, along with my primary school classmates, was asked to draw a graph plotting the highs and lows of my life. Most of my peers as you would expect plotted a graph that varied very little from the middle ground, mine however had one deep trough, people not being able to understand me due to my speech problems, and one high peak, people being able to understand me once my problem had been resolved. This in itself should have been a sign that things weren't right. It surely wasn't normal for a young child to have highs and lows that significant, but as this was the early 90's and Depression was an even bigger taboo than it is today nothing was done about it.
From there, with no real signs of continuation of the trend of highs and lows, I progressed to high school. At high school, being a geeky child with an above average intelligence, I was bullied. For 3 years I was teased, and both physically and mentally beaten down. I was small for my age up until the age of 14 and upon returning for my 4th year at high school I had grown significantly, this in itself didn't stop the bullying but eventually I had had enough and lashed out at one of my tormentors, breaking his nose, and the bullying stopped. Now some would say that the lashing out was a fair retaliation for the torture that I had endured, but looking back, it and other instances where I have lashed out could again have been warning signs of depression.
It was at high school as well that I started on another of my life traits, being an underachiever. When I started my GCSE's it was with the aim of becoming a Surgeon, I needed good grades at GCSE and A-Level to achieve this ambition and it was believed that I could achieve my desire. I however have a fear of failure which has time and time again meant that I have not tried incase I should fail. Stupid as it sounds but not trying and knowing I would fail was the much safer option, so rather than coming out of high school with 10 GCSE A-C's and the world at my feet, I came out with 5, having re-sat my English exams. The same happened with A-Levels and I twice dropped out of study and ended up working full time for my first employer, a well known fast food chain.
My first job and thus my first full time job was, as I said, for a large well known fast food chain. While working here I quickly found myself a central part of a team, as well as part of a group of friends, I was well liked and respected, as I worked hard. Outside of work I was also liked and respected as I partied hard, I was out every night of the week spending everything I earned on my addictive excesses, alcohol and tobacco. I hate to think how much of my life and money I wasted. After a falling out with the group, I exiled myself to another store and I actually found I was better off. I had gone from a busy town centre store to a quiet drive through and found that I stood out. I was placed on a management training program. That's where it all went wrong and my depression struck again. In a moment of madness I decided I did not want that job to be my career, so I no showed a shift and thankfully got myself another job.
This time I was working in a call centre, and with the promise of lots of opportunities to develop I was excited for the future. It almost ended before it began as my excesses returned in full force and I showed up for work hungover on many occasions, on one particular occasion I even threw up in a bin and walked off shift without telling anyone where I was going. However I soon got myself back under control and even started studying an insurance qualification, with the aim of becoming an insurance underwriter. I excelled in the insurance world due to my knowledge and ability to learn but in the call centre world I was not so successful and my call quality was poor. Soon like I had done with everything else I gave up my study at the first sign of failure and it became just another job with no progression opportunities in sight. Then in 2009 I was made redundant and on the same day on my way home from an alcohol soaked night out I was attacked, the third,and worst, time in my life I had been assaulted and I spent the night in hospital where they feared the worst for me. It was another low point for me. I ended up accepting an offer to extended my redundancy period and in the end was offered my job back. I should have taken the opportunity to work hard and make something for myself but I just slipped back into doing the minimum required of me.
One good thing did come from that job, I met the woman who is now my wife. One thing I did change after being offered my job back was my social and behavioural habits, I no longer went out on a work night and always showed up ready to work. This change is what I needed to find my soul mate. Having previously thought of me as a 'dickhead' my lifestyle change led her to give me a chance. It only took 1 month for me to move in with her, 5 months for me to propose and 14 months for us to be married and it was before our wedding that my depression gave its biggest flair yet. I should have been the happiest man on the planet but work was bringing me down and I felt nothing but down. I got myself signed off, and I didn't go back. Again I found myself another job.
I spent 6 months working as a courier, before deciding it wasn't for me. A further 4 weeks were spent unemployed before I got my current job, working in a mobile networks high street retail store. I have been very happy here and I love my job, but again my depression has struck, again it has come at a time where I should be ecstatic, it came with the birth of my son. I know it may seem weird but I have postnatal depression. I am so happy to be a father, but I found it difficult to relate to the beautiful little boy and didn't become attached. This depression has spiralled and I am now worse than I have ever been and once again I have ended up signed off work.
This time however the depression will not win, I return to work tomorrow and I am ready for a fight. I will fight this depression every minute of every day until the day I die, but it will not win. I do not suffer from depression, it suffers from ME! It is MY depression and I will not let it beat me.
Thanks for reading.
Adam Edward Grant
